Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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