Your mouth is God's brothel.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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