i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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