Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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