Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
