Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
