Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize