I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
