Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
