i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
