I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
