Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i now understand why vodka
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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