remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We're too hungover to prance.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
