I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
