theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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