Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
