I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Randomize
