"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
do herpes really smell.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
