white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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