Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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