there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
