Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
