I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
