Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
