my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
