you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize