Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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