Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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