I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
