I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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