Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
