I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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