So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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