In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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