Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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