hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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