I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
