I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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