So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
