Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
