I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
