I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
