david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
