Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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