I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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