CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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