my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
