she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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