I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
