Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
