I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
