this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
