if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
