Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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