Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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