my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
