If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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